Grey's Anatomy

So there I was, laid out on the couch suffering from a cold on last Thursday night. Angie, healthier and stronger than I at the time, had control of the remote. I had no choice but to watch what she wanted. And what golden morsel of television programming did she choose? Yes, it was “Grey’s Anatomy.” I was too weak to protest or even move myself to the other room. I was doomed to a night of TV hell.

But as I watched, something happened. Something unexpected. I became… inspired. As I watched these debauched yet sexy doctors get lost in love and lust and death and sex I began to crack the code to the perfect television show. When the program was over I had it. I knew I could produce the next popular prime time television show for the American masses. So here it is. The secret code:

First, I will study the habits, communication styles and love lives of teenagers. I will use their words and actions to create the relationships for our characters who will be adults placed in very importance roles such doctors. Of course, I will spruce up the dialogue with thoughtful and deep scripting, but it should only take me about 7 minutes per episode to come up with some really good clichés.

The actors must all be sexy and have the ability to stare into space with a serious and thoughtful look upon their face. Their acting ability really doesn’t need to go beyond that. Now, if the character is over 40 then they can be frumpy or just cute or maybe distinguished looking. This will give the show the much needed credibility that the sexy actors can’t provide. I will have one token “fat actor” so more people can relate to my show.

Once each episode is written I will direct. I have given a lot of thought to this already. Let me give you a taste of my directing style. When one of my actors asks, “What is my motivation in this scene?” I will simply reply, “Why, it’s sex, my dear.” Every character’s driving force will be sex.

ACTOR: “I’m a doctor in surgery trying to save the life of a patient. What’s my motivation”
ME: “All you can think about is: I must hurry through this brain surgery for this gun shot victim who is holding a live grenade and is also my wife’s mother, so I can have sex with my mistress as soon as possible.”

ACTOR: “I’m dying from a plague from the 17th century and I’m trying to find something to eat. What’s my motivation?”
ME: “You’re upset because you’re hungry. Hungry for the sex you’ll never get if you die.”

ACTOR: “I’m married, yet I’m obsessing over another woman. What’s my motivation?”
ME: “You’re just not getting enough sex. Reach deep inside of you and imagine what that must be like.”

Here’s the best part: There won’t be any need to develop the characters because I’ll simply get the audience to care about the them through lots of death and popular top 40 songs. Watching someone cry over the death of a lover while Rob Thomas sings a sad and sweet ballad is the key to great television. During the singing and crying we’ll splice in scenes of the other beautiful and sexy actors looking sad or serious or looking for more sex. This formula is rock solid, folks.

I’m also thinking of casting a washed up 80’s movie star to make his comeback with my show. I was thinking of Corey Feldman or maybe Pauley Shore. I’ll have to see if they’re booked already.

By the time Grey’s Anatomy goes off the air I will be ready with my show to pick up a lost audience. That should be in about two or three weeks. Wish me luck.